Family tragedy at pearson Airport

In the name of God

 

This sad memory has remained in my mind since summer 2009.

I was in the airport waiting for my son to come back from Paris.

In the middle of airport hallway there was a family disaster happening.

A tragedy about a couple with 2 children.

The guy was upset and not talking or looking at his wife. The poor woman who was a simple elegant lady was trying to convince the guy to go with them, I suppose to their home. I could not hear anything, they were far from where I was sitting, but I could read from their postures what was going on.

The younger son was walking around and pretend he doesn’t care, but the older boy who was around 13, was devastated and with his head tilting down shedding tears.

My heart was melting from watching this tragedy. I was praying constantly that God give that young boy, the patience to bear that pain.

I could not believe my eyes that the father didn’t care at all what the boy was going through. It seemed that he had no mercy on any of them., And for a reason that was not clear for me, he had made his mind not to care.

This one side conversation lasted more than half an hour and the guy finally without any care about the children walked toward the door and the wife whose energy was sucked out of her body, dragged herself after him, and the poor boy seemed to be a little bit happy that his father finally decided to go home with them.

Till now I have not forgotten this incident, and I always think about that little boy. What on earth may force a father not to care about his son?

And why we become so cruel toward our children.

Oh God, that little boy was so devastated that could not stop crying in front of all those passengers. I wanted to hug him and tell him not to worry, these would all pass and bright days would come.

I hope wherever he is now, his little heart be full of love and be surrounded with the people who love him.

Abraham Hicks Prayer,

I want to know the fullness of who I am so guide me closer in every step today to a fuller recognition of what I have been asking for and who I really am.

A very sad part of my life...

In the name of God

Whenever the weather is cloudy, it reminds me the day I was asked to go from my previous company.

It was 3 years ago that I experienced that horrible event.

It was a very dull and rainy day and so dark (January 25^th 2008)

I was the Financial manger of the company for 4 years and before New Year the president came to my room and told me that how they appreciate my hard work , because I had saved them $20,000 by reviewing a contract.

Anyway on Jan 25^th when they asked me to go to the board room, I thought there would be a promotion or raise waiting for me.

But, in a very cold voice our CFO told me that it is the last day of my job in that company.

I don’t know how to describe the situation. I thought it was the end of my life. I could not see or hear anything, I only was crying like crazy and beg them not to do this to me. But they were telling me constantly that the company is not doing well and they want to bring someone to do the Financial and IT all together.

I aged instantly, I could barely walk, what I was supposed to do?

A single Mom with a student son in a Country with no family...

I could not stop crying, as the incident was so shocking to me, my brain could not function well.

I remember they send me home by a cab and I even couldn’t remember my address.

When I went home, I was calling all my friends and begging them to find me Job, I didn’t know how should I tell my son.

It was around 6 in the evening when he came home and right away asked me if I am sick. I told him all the story and suddenly I noticed he panicked and became pale and sat down and asked what we are supposed to do?

I promised him that I do my best to find a job ASAP.

The first thing he said was , how your managers can sleep tonight? Do they know what they have done to you after all those hard works?

I could not sleep that night and I am sure nor did my son. I was out of control. I was preparing my resume and cover letters like crazy and I didn’t know what is waiting for me.

The next day I went to Government work shops to find a job, there were other people there but I was the only one who was crying, The others were married and their partner were still working, they were not so hurt like me. They could still survive.

My friends came over with different advises, I am sure they all had the right intentions, one of them were advising me to sell my Condo, the other one, persuading me to go back home. Another one telling me not to worry because I can work in Pizza store and earn extra cash.

Oh God after all these years, going back to the first step and working in a Pizza Pizza?

Only one of my friend came with a $10,000 check and told me, why you are crying, you can find another job, I know you for more than 10 years and you never have been out of job.

Stop crying and spend this till you find a job and give me back by instalment after you find a job.

I didn’t get that check but it was a big comfort for me, when someone do such a huge favour from bottom of her heart, It makes you to believe in yourself.

It turned on a light at the end of the tunnel for me and gave me hope. I started to think better and be positive and walk for 2 hours everyday and repeat positive affirmations.

Gradually I got interview and find another job within one month.

That is how important is to have people around you who believe in you and gave you hope during your hard times.

My friend’s name is Marzi and she is in my prayers till the end of my life.

I am blessed for having her in my life.

How it began

In the name of God,

It all started in a cold evening in winter back home in 1960. I was only 2 years old. I remember I was crying and nobody was home except my aunt who was sleeping under the korsi(1)

When I think about this now, I am amazed how she didn’t pay attention to my frustration and ignored me for hours. I remember that I was so exhausted from crying and the room was dark and she didn’t bother to turn on the light. I remember I pulled the chair and tried to climb it and turn the light on; but I was short and my hand didn’t reach the switch. The next thing I remember was my mother came and rushed to the room and took me and was so upset with my aunt. I believe that I fall down from the chair when I was trying to come down.
This was the reason that all my life I had Acrophobia (fear from height) and was afraid of darkness.
For a long time I was not aware of the reason, but after I started meditation , it was clear for me.
My mom was born in North part of Iran in city of Babol. She had two sisters, one of them was died in early age. My grandmother died when my Mom was only 11 years old and her sister who was my aunt was 14. Their grandmother, accepted to raise them. Their father who was a trader between Soviet Union and Iran died after 2 years. It could not be more sad for children at that age. My mom and my aunt were so talented and doing excellent at school. My Mom also was gifted in Art, she was a very good calligrapher and she was good in broderi.

            

My Aunt was very good at mathematics. She knew all the answers.
One day their grandmother called them and told them that she is sick and she won’t be there so much. She asked my aunt to stay home and be a home maker while my mom continues her study and be able to go to higher level and get a job.
It was a very devastating moment for my poor aunt, but she could not say anything to her grandmother, not that she was scared but because they all respected her.
From that moment till the end of her life she was never in peace with her sister who was my mom. She considered her as a reason of all her disappointments and failures.
My Mother finished her college which at those times was a great achievement and became a teacher in school and gradually was promoted to be a principal.
She kept all her letters in a folder and after she passed away I went through them and found out how successful she was.
They decided to move to Capital (Tehran) when she was in her mid twenties and she started her job in elementary schools as assistant then she became a principal at Mozhdeh School which she stayed there till she retired.
We (me and my sister who was 2 years older than me) were brought up in a very sad and depressed environment.
My Mom fall in love with my Dad who was a senior accountant in Railway Department and my aunt was not happy with this incident. She tried to give them hard time as much as she could. They married and my aunt was living with them, and I can imagine it was not a happy life.
I didn’t know anything about my father till recently which I asked my uncle to let me know who was my dad. It was interesting that what he said was not really helping me to find out who was my dad, only I found out that he was always clean and dressed up and he was in love when he was in his young age, but his parents didn’t agree with him to marry with the girl and he was devastated and moved to Tehran and after some time he told his family that he is marrying my Mom. Nobody knows how it happened. After I told this to my sister, she denied all of it and said he was a trouble child and my other uncle’s wife were my mom colleague and knew she was so mature and introduced them and my mother fall in love with him and they got married.
I don’t know why my sister denied my uncle’s storey, because it does not have any interfere with the part my sister said.
Then I came up with this story myself that after my father was heart broken he started drinking and his family were concerned about him and introduced my mother to him and they both were fed up with their sad past and they thought they would be a good match.
The only memory I remember from my dad was that he was lying in bed in upstairs and my mother was talking to him and I was running from one side to other side and make noise. My mother tried several times to keep me quiet but he insisted to let me play! That is it, all I remember...and for the rest of my life I was longing for someone to let me be happy as did my father...
I believe all my early life I was searching for him, I didn’t understand why he is not with us and why he is in heaven, have I done something wrong that he has left us? Why my friends all have father and why there is not any man in our life.
It was a very sad life, My mother got menopause instantly after my father passed away and she was depressed and sad. She devoted herself to school and married to school. She was doing the job of all her assistants and letting them to fool around and go home soon and they were all so happy. She was working at school from 8am to 8pm and we were there with her, studying and copying our books. My aunt for sure was not interested in taking care of us and my mother preferred to stay at school and doing all the jobs by herself instead of listening to my aunt’s frustrations.
I remember for several years our father side family used to give us visit and take us to their home and it was the only happy moments that we had, but gradually my aunt made it clear for them that they are not welcomed to our house.
At that time I hated my aunt and I was so angry with her, but gradually when I got older I put myself in her shoes and tried to understand her better. Poor her, she sacrificed everything to make her grandma wish come true. I wish she hadn’t done that, because it was not appreciated from any of us and she was always blamed and the circle of anger was not going to stop.







(A Korsi is a type of low table found in Iran, with a heater underneath it, and blankets thrown over it. It is a traditional furniture of Iranian culture. A family or other gathering sits on the floor around the korsi during meals and special events, like Nowruz (Persian new year). Korsi used to be quite popular for entire families to gather together during yearly Yalda celebrations.^[1]
Korsi are generally heated with electric elements or traditionally with a brazier with hot coals placed under the table, and covered with a thick cloth overhanging on all sides to keep its occupants warm. The latters sit on large cushions (futons) around the korsi with the cloth over their laps.)

In the name of God

I would never start a project without asking universe to guide me.

There are different names for this great power, some call it God, some universe, some Truth, Etc........

It does not matter what you call it, it  has always been there and would be.

Nobody exactly know how it looks like or feel, and the people who fund out got crazy,

I am from Iran, and people from Iran has a special costumized religious, and during last 30 years because of the changes, nobody is interested in being Muslim any more.
I believe that religious is like a water in different containers. They are all the same. It is necessary when you are not mature enough to recognize good and bad.
I do believe in God, Of course, I don’t think of God as a male or female. I had a very challenging life and all the hard times I went through, made me to be more connected to God.
I always ask God to show me the way and guide me toward the dream that I have came to this world to achieve it.( I don’t want at the last moment when I am leaving the planet earth, my dream asks me what have you done to achieve me?)

I always were open to new ideas and other religions and getting the parts that I liked more and adding them to my daily routines. Till recently I read one sentence from great master Osho. This was my motivation to know him better.

This is the Quote from Osho:

This is the Zen approach: nothing is there to be done. There is nothing to do. One has just to be. Have a rest & be ordinary & be natural.

--Osho

I had a unique feeling after reading this quote and I started listening to his speeches on youtube at first it was scary to knowing that you were all wrong all these years, but gradually I found out that it is what I was searching for all these years, and still I believe it is not the end, it is just a first step.

Now I want to share with you a very unique experience which I have not told anybody except my son and one of Osho’s fans.

It was summer 2008 that in one of special nights I woke up in the middle of the night (It is called ghadr night, in my language shabe ghadr), at that time I was out of the job and so sad and praying all the time, and I went to balcony and began to pray and ask God to show me the way. Suddenly I felt a huge presence which scared me to death, I bowed and I could not look up. It was all over the place, I was trembling and constantly saying , that I am sorry, I am not ready for this. I thought, I am going to be drowned in the universe, I ran inside and I could not felt that presence inside any more. I was still saying, God forgive me, I am not ready. After 10 minutes again I tried to overcome my fear and went to balcony again, It was there, all the sky and earth was one huge presence, I could not bear it and ran inside and I cried till I fall asleep.
In the morning I was so excited and talked about it to my son, and he thought, I should be crazy,
After a year one day I read a sentence from Osho, which was telling that everyone has been made for some particular work and one has just to be. Have a rest and be ordinary be natural!
It made me to Google him and I began to watch all his speeches on YouTube.
I have bought some of his books. The first one which I have not finished yet is about his life.
The Luminous Rebel.
In page 75, Osho was describing the night which he was enlightened. I could not stop crying.
These are some parts:

Near midnight my eyes suddenly opened, I had not opened them. The sleep was broken by something else. I felt a great presence around me in the room. It was a very small room. I felt a throbbing life all around me, a great vibration- almost like a hurricane, a great storm of light, joy, ecstasy. I was drowning in it .It was so tremendously real that everything became unreal. The walls of the room became unreal, the house became unreal, my own body became unreal... that night another reality opened its door, another dimension became available. Suddenly it was there, the other reality, the separate reality, the really Real, or whatsoever you want to call it- call it God, call it truth, call it Dhamma, call it Tao, or whatsoever you will. It was nameless, but it was there, so opaque, so transparent, and yet so solid one could have touched it. It was almost suffocating me in that room. It was too much and I was not yet capable of absorbing it.

I called my son and read the book for him while I was crying, I was so happy that the night I experienced it, I exactly said the same thing to my son and I had a witness. It was amazing that I had used the same words to describe that event.
This is the reason, that I think Osho is the way that God provided for me to answer my questions.

Love,

Azhi

دوش وقت سحر از غصه نجاتم دادند		واندر آن ظلمت شب آب حیاتم دادند
بیخود از شعشعه پرتو ذاتم کردند		باده از جام تجلی صفاتم دادند
چه مبارک سحری بود و چه فرخنده شبی		آن شب قدر که این تازه براتم دادند
بعد از این روی من و آینه وصف جمال		که در آن جا خبر از جلوه ذاتم دادند
من اگر کامروا گشتم و خوشدل چه عجب		مستحق بودم و این‌ها به زکاتم دادند
هاتف آن روز به من مژده این دولت داد		که بدان جور و جفا صبر و ثباتم دادند
این همه شهد و شکر کز سخنم می‌ریزد		اجر صبریست کز آن شاخ نباتم دادند
همت حافظ و انفاس سحرخیزان بود		که ز بند غم ایام نجاتم دادند

A story from Paulo Coelho

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:
‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’
Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’
‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’
‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’
‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.
‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’
‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’
‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

Best Friends

Another beautiful fall day, sitting with my best friend Fariba and enjoying our tea together.

It is about 15 years that I know her and I feel blessed to know such a person like her. She is such a  geniune and happy person and is always fun to be with.
She encouraged me to open my blog and like always as she is so expert, I always get advantage of her experience.